On my wedding day, I carried
my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room
flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So
I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong
and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The
following days were as simple as a cup of pure water. We had a kid, I
went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost
at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our
marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more
likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It
was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was
the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, "You are the kind of man who
best draws girl's eyeballs." Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife.
When we just married, my wife said "Men like you, once successful, will
be very attractive to girls." Thinking of this, I became somewhat
hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.
I
moved Dew's hands aside and said, "You go to select some furniture,
O.K.? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was
unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used
to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult
to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her,
she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening
she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The
dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together or, I was lounging
before the computer, visualising Dew's body. This was the means of my
entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way.
"Suppose we divorce, what will you do?" She stared at me for a few
seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was
something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react
once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my
office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife
with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with
her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my
subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me. "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.?" Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When
my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to
tell you". She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in
her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let
her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised the serious
topic calmly. She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead
she asked me softly, "Why?" I'm serious. I avoided her question. This
so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and
shouted at me. "You are not a man!" At that night, we didn't talk to
each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had
happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of
guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our
house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then
tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been
living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could
not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me,
which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind
of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks
seemed to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home
after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table.
I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I
turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions.
She didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one
month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as
normal life as possible. Her reason was simple. Our son would finish his
summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our
marriage broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked
me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on
the wedding day?" This question suddenly brought back all those
wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, "I remember." "You carried
me in your arms." She continued, "So, I have a requirement, that is, you
carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the
end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door
every morning." I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet
days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.
I told
Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought
it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the
result of divorce." She said scornfully. Her words more or less made me
feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact
since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated
each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day,
we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding
mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the
bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters
with her in my arms.
She closed her eyes and said softly. "Let us
start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feeling somewhat
upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I
drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more
easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the
fragrance of her blouse. I realised that I hadn't looked at this
intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any
more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there."
On
the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualisation of Dew became vaguer.
On the fifth and sixth day,
she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed
shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of
intimacy was even stronger.
I didn't tell Dew about this.
I
felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now." She
was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite
a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my
dresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realised that it
was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not
because I was stronger.
I knew she had buried all the bitterness
in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached
out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's
time to carry mum out." He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his
mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son
to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was
afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly,
as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made
me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could
hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I
hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old." I held her tightly
and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our life was lack of such
intimacy."
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't
divorce. I'm serious." She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my
forehead, "You got no fever." I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry,
Dew. I can only say sorry to you. I won't divorce. My marriage life was
boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not
because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I
carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed
to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you."
Dew
seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the
door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When
I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife
which was her favourite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting
words on the card. I smiled and wrote. "I'll carry you out every morning
until we are old."
