Many people conflate shyness and introversion. It is not the case that
all introverts are shy. Most of the introverts I know can be very
articulate and, in the right circumstances, sociable. It is simply that
introverts re-energise by spending time alone. Their interior world is
more important to them than their exterior world and they value solitude
over companionship.
Why is Introvert parenting particularly intense?
Ask
most introverts and they will tell you that our society seems to value
extraversion over introversion. From our earliest days we are encouraged
to seek out friendship groups. There are many new parent groups which
pregnant women and their partners can access in order to have a "support
network" available to them when their child is born. Even quite small
communities abound with pre-schools and nurseries where very young
children are cared for in, sometimes quite large, groups. If children
are schooled, this continues through their education. Our workplaces are
often busy and bustling. Introverts can often feel as though they are
being suffocated by sociability! If simply existing as an introvert can
sometimes feel overwhelming, why pick out parenting as a particularly
draining role for an introvert to undertake?
Primarily, it's the
all-encompassing nature of parenting. For most parents, parenting begins
with pregnancy and for nine months an introvert mother-to-be is never
truly alone. Even when carving out "me" time, she has her lovely little
passenger along for the ride. And once baby is born? Well, often, that
complete symbiosis of mother and child from pregnancy actually seems
like the easy part! I don't know about you but I never worked in any job
where my colleagues would follow me to the toilet and try to continue
negotiations with me whilst I was shut in a cubicle!
Parents want
to do the best they can for their children. Whatever personality a
parent is, having responsibility for the health and well-being of a
whole other human being can feel like an overwhelming responsibility. To
do it well means ensuring your own well-being is protected. It is so
much easier to give your time and energy to your children when those
things are replenished regularly. The extra challenge for an introvert
parent is creating the time and space to do just that when, for most of
us, it means carving out sufficient, high-quality alone time. Locking
the toilet door probably won't do it (although it might be a start!)
1. Accept that you are an Introvert:
It
can be tempting, when the world seems so much more receptive to
extrovert personalities, to try and re-invent yourself. If being an
extrovert makes it easier to spend time with your child then - pow! -
become an extrovert. Suddenly discover the joys of large crowds and
noisy soft play areas which eluded you before. (Allow this introvert a
brief shudder of horror before proceeding!) There is validity in the
idea that we should explore our "shadow" sides and Jung felt that we
should all have an understanding of our opposites but understanding and
becoming are not the same.
Whilst personality can, and does,
evolve over a life-time, affected by life experiences and social
groupings, the underlying traits are most likely to remain. According to
Peter Geyer, 75% of those who re-take a Myers-Briggs test will report
the same result a second time (and this can be higher, if the
participant has strong preferences). This implies that the core aspects
of who we were are deep-seated, possibly innate and unlikely to shift
drastically in our lifetime.
Thus, rather than trying to become
less introverted, a parent who embraces their introvert personality is
likely to be in a better position to make adaptations to their parenting
style to accommodate their need for space.
2. Accept that you are not ONLY an Introvert:
Reducing
who you are to one word is always going to be a little basic and
self-limiting. None of us have just one personality trait. Those other
letters on a Myers-Briggs scale?... They're important too and your
combination of aptitudes will probably be unique to you. Moreover, just
four letters seems even more limiting than a word. Taking those four
letters as the foundation for exploring the rich multi-faceted nature of
humans seems a healthier approach.
Me? Well, to limit myself to
four letters for a moment (!) I came out as an ISFJ when I was eighteen.
I'm an extreme Introvert. But, I also have tendencies toward OCD and,
as a result, my mental health is better when my home is clean and
ordered. I thrive on routine and strongly dislike spontaneity! All these
things have shaped my parenting yet none of them were really anything
to do with being an introvert. The fact that I learned to mix my need
for tidiness with my child's need to explore (read: make a mess) grew
out of my "J-ness" not my "I-ness"! And I'm sure my Sensing and Feeling
characteristics will have fed into the type of parent I ultimately
became, even if I'm not completely conscious of the actual outcomes.
Likewise,
any parent who tries to plan the way they raise their child around one
aspect of their psyche is likely to find it virtually impossible. The
needs of the child and, indeed, the parent will not be fully met and
there may well be increased tension and discord. Knowing that parenting
is dynamic and acknowledging that it is never just one thing can help us
when we're trying to work out what on earth is going on!?
3. Notice your child's personality.
If
you're an introvert parent, you may spend pregnancy crossing your
fingers and hoping for an introvert child. You may have fond images of
sitting side by side with your little one, in happy companionable
silence, building elaborate rail networks from your box of wooden
train-track. Or, you may envisage hours on the sofa surrounded by books
which you and your child will share harmoniously. They will sit
entranced and definitely won't try to gnaw the cover or launch a beloved
classic at your head.
And you know what? It might happen like
that. It did for me - the first time around. My eldest child turned out
to be a happy, contented introvert who would happily spend a whole
morning planning and executing amazing rail networks. He welcomed my
participation but didn't seem to require it and would remain lost in his
own world if I needed to step away for any reason.
This
Introvert parent / Introvert child relationship may seem the perfect one
but it is not without its challenges. As you both require little
outside stimulation, you can end up relatively isolated. As the adult,
an introverted parent may have to bite the bullet and take steps to
ensure you and your child do have some social interaction in a week.
Even the most extreme introvert can gain from building friendships with
other parents and building a support network. Even introvert children
can learn and grow through thoughtful and sensitive interaction with
their peers. As an introvert child gets older, you may find that, even
though you went through it yourself, you worry about whether they are
making friends and socialising enough. It's probably unfounded but
you're a parent so that's what you'll do!
And if you have an
ambivert / extrovert child? It's all a question of balance. You know
your child and you will be able to read their cues. They will not be
subtle about letting you know that they need more than your company, no
matter how scintillating a conversationalist you are! Their liveliness
and gregariousness can be daunting for a parent who values silence but
it can also be hugely life-affirming and enriching. Cherish your own
personality, cherish your child's and cherish the difference.
4. Create a rhythm.
Having
a rhythm to your day or your week can be very helpful for introvert
parents. Whether this needs to be a strict schedule or more of a loose
plan will depend on whether you're a "J" Introvert (likes schedule and
structure) or a "P" one (likes spontaneity and surprises). Irrespective,
if you know that going to a toddler group will deplete your energy then
making provision to replenish isn't selfish, it's necessary.
It
might seem indulgent but if you are your child's primary caregiver then
their well-being depends on your well-being. You aren't being selfish
when you take the time to meet your own needs, you are being a
responsible parent. And, if you're a working introvert parent? I would
imagine it's even more of an imperative to give yourself some space. You
are dealing with the intensity of life with small children and the
responsibility of work. Without a rhythm that includes rest, you may
very well burn out. It isn't always easy, in this age of perpetual
business, to see a space for introverted introspection but most
introvert parents will know when they are stretched too thin. We get
cranky - and we're not pleasant when we're cranky!
5. Consider your parenting style.
From
the minute you know you're having a baby, there are experts longing to
tell you how it's done. These experts range from family members through
to published authors, who must know what they're talking about if
they've got a book about it. Well, yes and no. Some parenting advice can
be really useful but any "one size fits all" philosophy is going to
come unstuck when you consider all we have been saying about the
variances amongst parents and amongst their children.
It doesn't
matter whether you're an introvert, an ambivert or an extrovert, the
best parenting style for you is the one you evolve to best fit your
family. I dislike parenting labels but sometimes they can help us find
our "tribe". If I had to pick one, I'd choose "Instinctive Parent" -
which may just be a fancy way of saying "Make It Up As I Go". Which is,
actually, fine.
I was very surprised to find that my instincts
led me to be broadly Attachment in my parenting choices. As this type of
parenting is associated with quite intensive parenting practices and is
generally quite fluid about structures, it didn't seem to suit my
personality type. But I found that things like carrying my baby in a
sling - especially my extrovert youngest - worked in my favour. He was
stimulated and happy, being able to see the world from my back. I was
able to take some time and space knowing he was safe and happy. What at
first glance might have seemed counter-intuitive for an introvert,
actually served my needs (and those of my baby) very well.
Maybe
Introvert Parent is a label all of its own but an Introvert Parent who
raises their child according to their instincts is likely to be a happy
and successful parent.
